by Michelle Goulevitch

He walks around naked with his thing hanging out, 
I laugh like any little girl would. 
I don’t know I’m in danger, I don’t think to shout. 

He dances and prances; 
and puts on a show.
I continue to giggle, 
without age or experience to know. 

This is one of the things he does
to groom me, 
to turn me into his little sex toy. 
He is naked around me 
as much as he can be; 
of course a five year girl will laugh 
at the rude parts of a boy! 

“Look, I’m a girl!”

He turns away and tucks it between his legs; 
then proceeds to put on the show. 
He struts up and down, he looks like a girl now. 
Where on Earth did it actually go? 

I laugh and I laugh at this silly man; 
and he seems to find it pretty funny as well. 
Things progressed fast from this stage,  
to complete and utter fucking hell. 

by Michelle Goulevitch

As part of my early grooming, 
Nightman would try to watch me bathe. 
He would enter the bathroom for a ‘reason’, 
the most common was needing to shave. 

I remember the disgusting look in his eyes, 
I could see his face in the mirror.
This memory has been galvanized, 
it could not be any clearer. 

From this stage, he wasted no time, 
it developed quite rapidly. 
Soon, Nightman had me taking some of my baths, 
with just him and me.

He gets me naked and turns off the lights.
I am anxious and filled with adrenaline. 
He then lights some candles (to add to the mood); 
and proceeds to coax me in. 

He treats me like his lover;
like we are on a romantic date. 
I’m only a six years old and 
these are experiences I don’t know how to translate. 

Some of the phrases he’d been using, 
had me worried for my mother’s life. 
He would tell me that he loved me, 
but he said it like I was his wife. 

“I love you so much”. 

He said that it would kill her, 
if she knew about ‘him and me’.
The way he speaks is confusing; 
at that age I took what he said quite literally.

When he says this to me I am scared, 
I feel a sharp intake of my breath. 
I was programmed by him to believe, 
that my telling her would result in her death. 

Seven years of abuse it took me, 
to finally find my voice. 
Decades later I am finding it again, 
CPTSD gives me no choice. 

by Michelle Goulevitch

We move overseas
for some months, about three.
Nightman stays behind,
so for a time I am free.

We return to New Zealand,
he picks up where he left off.
I’m back in his clutches,
I feel helpless and lost.

This time around
he has his own place;
but he is always at ours
with that creepy look on his face.

During the days
I do my best to be small.
I am aware of him stalking me
and he makes my skin crawl.

I’m in avoidance mode now,
anxiety and fear are what I recall.
By now I know it’s not enough
to just pretend to be small.

As much as I can,
I try to stay out of his way.
I go outside when he is here,
where I feel safer to play.

The days are bad enough
but the nights are now worse.
I just can’t escape him,
it feels like a curse.

He puts my brother to bed
as soon as he can.
Then his attention is on me,
FUCK YOU, you fucking creep, Nightman.

I am now 10 years old
and have become very aware,
of just how bad it feels
when Nightman is here.

by Michelle Goulevitch

I’m aged about six
and I’m up way too late.
I’m placed on the couch
and instructed to wait.

Nightman is now naked
and shows me more porn.
I’m being groomed
for my role as his whore.

We watch the blue movies
like regular TV.
‘Deep Throat’ was his favorite,
this one really scares me.

My younger brother
is in bed for the night.
I’m now alone with Nightman,
no escape from this plight.

He speaks in hushed tones,
he has a surprise for me!
I am excited and wondering
what it might be.

I’ve never seen such a thing,
I don’t know what he hands me.
It looks like a banana
and it buzzes like a bee.

He takes the device
and uses it on me down there.
He wants me to do it myself
so he can sit back and stare.

I am shy and confused
and I don’t understand.
What is this thing?
I don’t want it in my hand.

It feels weird and warm,
I say I need to go pee.
It became a regular activity
for him to use this on me.

by Michelle Goulevitch

Nightman lives with me now
with access untold.
He gives me a secret gift
I’m about seven years old.

It’s a short satin nighty,
the side has a split.
Blue with white lace,
it’s a perfect fit.

He wakes me and makes me
put the blue satin on.
I don’t know what’s ‘sexy’
I don’t know that it’s wrong.

He watches me wearing it,
taking photos of me in blue.
By this age I’m now
performing fellatio too.

Once the white stuff comes out
I’m allowed to get dressed.
Back in my regular pyjamas
I can finally go rest.

by Michelle Goulevitch

What is this?
I don’t understand.
His tongue’s in my mouth
Of course, it’s Nightman.

Pucker up
Suck it up

I’m aged about six,
hes in his 20’s and in a rock band.
His tongue’s in my mouth,
I just don’t understand.

Pucker up
Suck it up

These kisses are disgusting,
unlike any I’ve had before.
They are slimy and wet
and fear fills me to my core.

Pucker up
Suck it up

He utters things to me
that you’d share with your spouse.
He whispers he loves me
and I’m as quiet as a mouse.

Pucker up
Suck it up

Confusion in my brain,
I go limp and fall back.
He invades my mouth again.
If I were made of glass, I’d crack.