Mum

by Melody Evans

Where were you mum?
Why weren't you there for me?
You were supposed to be my mum
Protected and loved
Things that should come naturally to a mum
But not to you mum
Not to you

I needed you
I needed my mum
I needed the unconditional love
That comes from being a mum
You were my mum
But you weren't a mum
Not to me

The abusive relationship you endured
The one you put us through mum
Why did you do that to us?
Why mum? Why?
The physical scars went away
But the emotional ones mum
They stayed

I'm sad mum
Sad you couldn't be a mum to me
I needed your love
A hug, an ear
Your presence
Your protection
It wasn't there mum, it wasn't there

I feel alone mum
I wish things were different
That I could call you when I'm down mum
Knowing you would be round at the drop of a hat
Wiping my tears, giving me that hug
Knowing you were there for me mum
A real mum

January 8, 2024 0

To NM

by Lauren

You're the victim
But you were my first bully
You told me, a kid, my nose was too big
I was too pale to wear white
I was "just like my dad" (in a negative way)
I was too "self righteous" (I was a kid forming political opinions for the first time)
I asked to go to therapy (you said, "Is it just because your friends are doing it?" Went back to shopping and it was never brought up again)
You told me, "your dad tricked me when we were dating" (I was a kid who didn't need to hear that)
You said I was being manipulative by calling dad "daddy" (I was a child)
You didn't want me to become my own independent person, to move, to follow my dreams, to live my own life
You instilled guilt and low self esteem
You asked, "Do you ever reach out to him?" Referencing an ex you knew was an abuser of mine
You never visited, not even when I almost died in the hospital
You never truly heard me
Never apologized, only sarcastically
Even in adulthood
But you're the victim
And you'll cry about me and pretend you didn't do anything
And the emotional manipulation may work on some but not those who truly know me
But you're the victim
And I put my foot down after spending over half my life being a doormat who ignored or gave in
Not anymore
I'm free
I'm not a victim
I'm a champion

November 20, 2023 0

Shadows Across my Sad Heart

by Bethany Lauren Birley

Head beating with rage consuming,
Shadows across my sad heart looming,
The storm is rumbling deep inside,
I try to keep myself okay, terrified
Of what I’ve seen myself do like this before,
I hide from this, cowering, it cries more.
I cannot run, or prevent fully what’s to come
But I’ll write it down and spell out the sum,
Of anger, rage and chaos that echoes deep
And pray that my Medusa returns to sleep.
I see my father codependent but in control,
But also, cowardly, running from my soul,
That seeks to challenge his narrow world view,
I will not be like him but find my own way anew.
I see my fist, striking out that time, my vision red,
And lament at what I caused, a shadow in my head.
The college door filled with art depicting harm,
The chaos inside me crying and screaming in alarm,
And the rush of emotions deep and out of control,
Yes I know how my anger has disrupted my world.
I see my father again, no adult, unable to relate,
And yet for him I can only feel pity now not hate,
Though I have beared the guilt of hurting him,
I will not do so more, he will not affect within,
Though others remember different all his deeds,
If I know the truth then off his chains I am freed.
You are the monster but I did not you create,
You continue to run, but in here you will find no place to hide.

October 25, 2023 0

The Other Side of Hurt

by Grace Villa

Sometimes it feels as if I’m drowning
And it hurts to draw each breath
Some days I don’t see a way through
The water is deep and murky
And I can’t escape its depths 

Healing can be painful and scary
It’s so easy to just try and forget
To feel numb and float my way through
Distract myself with shallow pursuits
And avoid my empty bed. 

Some days you have to feel the pain
To remember what you’re working toward. 
Sometimes you really need that cry
Or you’ll never move on; never move forward

When the good times come around again
Oh how sweet they’ll be!
How precious and light it will feel
To have survived it 
And fought your way free!

To be able to say I did that- 
I made it through the darkest of times 
With my soul intact

July 13, 2023 0

Counting With Mother

by Ellen Legge

mother, when i was young
i had unwavering faith in you
your words were the ultimatum of the universe
or at least that’s what we both thought,
until slowly, then quickly, now alarmingly clear, it hits me
that you are so wrong, wrong about many things, but wrong especially, about me

you are wrong about everything you said i was.
and about everything you said who i would become
do you see. mother? i don’t think you do, so please try harder to see.
because i’m not a ticking bomb that’s unpredictable and about to detonate.
and i don't set fire to every single bridge like you said im destined to do. no
i build the bridges out of scraps and i do it with my bare hands until they are sturdy
they aren’t shaky like ours, mother. and there is always someone waiting on the other side.
do you see mother? i am not destructive, like the roaring and forceful tsunami
unstoppable in its wake and ready to crash down onto that poor innocent village. no
i am steady and reliable as the clockwork tides. people can count on me.
i could never count on you, or your bridge. they said i could, but i knew it was far too shaky
but mother, you damn well made sure that there were other things for me to count:

5…4…3…2…1…i could count the number of seconds before you would explode into a supernova frenzy. i go somewhere in my head and try to drown out your hysteria
i could count under my breath… 3…2…1… ok i’m ready. i’ve finally summoned up the courage and now i am walking down the hall to say sorry to my mother.
now im counting again 1… 2…3… days of you giving me the silent treatment. i tiptoe around the house. my superpower is that im invisible and i wonder how many mores days i’ll stay counting for.
although my memory is broken and fragmented in many ways,
and i do admit my counting might be a bit off, or a bit less
i can still count the number of times you said i would have to go away.

1. in the back of your car when you said i’m going to foster care
2. in the piano room with father, where you both agreed it was for the best
3. on the living room couch when you said you will no longer be my mother
4. when the police came, and you sent me away for 3 days. i did not come back
those are the things i can count. but mother, please listen just this once, because regrettably, there is just this one thing that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to count:
the number of times you made me feel like i am the worst person ever to exist and that’s why i deserve all this fucking counting

April 27, 2022 0

You called yourself a mother

by Kathartik Kry

To others, yes you were
But when it came to me
Hatred would occur
I tried to earn your love
As any daughter would
But when it came to me
It was just no good
No grade was ever high enough
No sacrifice ever seen
Perfection wasn’t good enough
To earn your love for me
A child with a broken heart
Is just too hard to see
That’s when I became a ghost
And no one cared for me
A little speck of nothing
A tiny grain of dirt
The child no one cared about
Just kept on getting hurt
But that tiny little speck
Turned out to be a seed
Through the storms it grew and grew
Turning into me
Who am I supposed to be
I live for me; not you
Look at me what do you see
Nothing close to you

March 16, 2022 0

I’m Tired

by Elizabeth B

It's a rush, you know? The thoughts that seem to not let me go.
Those thoughts I buried deep within, kind of like the grass beneath a winter snow.
The thoughts I don't want to remember because they're colder than December.
It's painless at first. You know, like a single drop of rain.
Until that single drop brings more... and more....then suddenly I'm in shock at the oncoming wave of pain.
It's not a superficial sore... it's the kind that is rooted beyond the core.
There's so much pressure and I stand confused.
Where do I start? Which part requires immediate attention? How do I choose?
I think to myself "fuck this is embarrassing, so it's like this again?"
Is that how others feel too? When I bring up my dark out of the blue? "Oh great, here she goes again. What's new"?
Is there such a thing as talking about it too soon, too late, or too much?
How do I block out the noise? How do I stop denying myself my soul's freedom? From the first time I spoke up... it was too late....the damage had already been done. Not that I didn't try sooner...I couldn't speak, I was cornered.
"What's wrong?" I can't help but just stare... how can I be sure you really want to venture there?
"You know, it's okay if you need to cry" are you sure?
I'm afraid once I let a tear slip the dam will break and it's a tsunami that will be faced.
"You know I'm here for you" are you really? If I let you in... will you still be here when I open my eyes again?
I want to speak and I want to trust... each time I inhale a breath my lungs become filled with dust.
Please don't look at me expectingly..... I don't know how to tell you what is haunting me. It's not strangers who have hurt me. The scars I bare.... come from my own blood family.
They're the voices I hear when these thoughts reappear.
Please don't bother asking if I'm okay. I'll lie and say "I'm fine, I'm just.... tired".....of feeling like it's no use because my truth has long ago expired.

February 18, 2022 0

Brother Dear

by Betmae

To my brother dear
There is no turning back now, I fear

Sometimes I see a sweet innocent boy
Pulled me in the wagon
Let me play with his toys

All those years living in a trailer, finally had a home
Then dad stole us from mom and all that progress gone
Lived up by the country top
Drove for days to the southern end before we stopped

Our refuge playing in the desert wild
Caught horny toads, painted them up, colors in style
Let go try to catch again the next day 
Always a big delight if success, hooray 

When you were rough and loud dad threw a fit
Rage, belt, beating, punch, hit

You were still punished if I was bad, not kind
Should have set an example, fine
Even then I knew it wasn’t fair
I tried to be good for your sake, I swear

So you would pinch and hit me then cover my mouth and nose
Suffocating me so I couldn’t shout out
Pinned me down called it a tickling game.  Holding back tears, I tried
Digging your fingers in deep until I cried

When it was calm dad criticized and picked and such
Said you weren’t smart, wouldn’t amount to much

You grew ill-tempered in your teens
Loud grating music, fire setting, threats, making a scene

Still trying to forget your unspeakable assault
I blamed on dad not you
This toxic family stew
His fault

You proved dad wrong about his only son
College degree, business, house, and you are not done

But now decades on
You hate the world, racist rants and anger won’t subside
I’m so tired dear brother
And can no longer stand by your side

January 30, 2022 0

Receding Shore

by Laura Howat

Been walking on a rocky beach
tearing apart my tender feet
to find soft sand would be so sweet

Follow the shore along
crying fat tears 
I mourn
wailing into my constant storm

Too many traumas
go forward bitterly
committed to my trail of misery
can’t shake ancestral history

Can I let go my need to be in rain
melt into seawater 
get free of pain
stop marching toward an earthly grave
let go my heart into the wave

Leave disasters on receding shore
in peace
float away
now released

Waves rock me 
keep me warm

perhaps

I can transform

September 15, 2021 0

Welcome September