by Elizabeth B
It's a rush, you know? The thoughts that seem to not let me go. Those thoughts I buried deep within, kind of like the grass beneath a winter snow. The thoughts I don't want to remember because they're colder than December. It's painless at first. You know, like a single drop of rain. Until that single drop brings more... and more....then suddenly I'm in shock at the oncoming wave of pain. It's not a superficial sore... it's the kind that is rooted beyond the core. There's so much pressure and I stand confused. Where do I start? Which part requires immediate attention? How do I choose? I think to myself "fuck this is embarrassing, so it's like this again?" Is that how others feel too? When I bring up my dark out of the blue? "Oh great, here she goes again. What's new"? Is there such a thing as talking about it too soon, too late, or too much? How do I block out the noise? How do I stop denying myself my soul's freedom? From the first time I spoke up... it was too late....the damage had already been done. Not that I didn't try sooner...I couldn't speak, I was cornered. "What's wrong?" I can't help but just stare... how can I be sure you really want to venture there? "You know, it's okay if you need to cry" are you sure? I'm afraid once I let a tear slip the dam will break and it's a tsunami that will be faced. "You know I'm here for you" are you really? If I let you in... will you still be here when I open my eyes again? I want to speak and I want to trust... each time I inhale a breath my lungs become filled with dust. Please don't look at me expectingly..... I don't know how to tell you what is haunting me. It's not strangers who have hurt me. The scars I bare.... come from my own blood family. They're the voices I hear when these thoughts reappear. Please don't bother asking if I'm okay. I'll lie and say "I'm fine, I'm just.... tired".....of feeling like it's no use because my truth has long ago expired.
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