by Trinity Rayne

Why am I
Like a butterfly
Longing for freedom crushed beneath a boulder
Just want to spread my wings but I can't as long as there's a chip on my shoulder
Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve
Why do I mourn loss that's not actually loss but yet still grieve
Just longing for the day to come where I no longer feel this unquenchable thirst
I wished you cared and didn't always put your needs first
I am longing for an apology I know I'll never get
I am longing for indifference without guilt and regret
I've been longing for my father to fix all my rips and tears
I've been longing for him to help me move mountains and climb up thousands of stairs
I've been longing for the impossible things so now I must let go
I must climb, fly, and heal so I can grow

by Trinity Rayne

Dear dad I'm not a trophy for you to collect on your shelf
You're not Santa and I'm not your worker elf
You're not king but more of a joke
You're not someone I'd normally provoke
Why couldn't you just love me for me
Why did you try to change things instead of leaving them be
I know I'm not good enough for the likes of you
All because I questioned everything you'd say and do
Dear dad I'll reclaim my power that you wrongfully took away
I will forgive you in the future just not today
I wondered why you hated me when I was born from the very start
I wondered why you were the first man to ever break my heart
Dear dad why did you emotionally abuse me
A narcissist is what you accuse me
Dear dad I'm writing you this letter that I'll never send
Goodbye forever this is the end

by Trinity Rayne

You are like a sweet smelling rose with thorns so prickly
You look healthy on the outside but inside you are sickly
You acted nice in public to people but in private you changed your tune quickly
People believe you over me that's why what you do is sly and slickly
You have two faces you wear one evil and one good
The things you have said and done I once misunderstood
How you've acted in public and private I used to not be able to separate fact from fiction
You are a walking contradiction
I wanted to know why you accepted others but couldn't love me without condition
Your words spoke differently from your actions that never went through transition
You're this person trying to be sane but secretly has an affliction
You are a talking contradiction
You built me up then tore me down and I didn't understand
I fed you then you went and bit my hand
You've hurt me but yet it's helped me to heal more and more
I've loved and hated you with equal measure never realizing it before
Even my own feelings are a confusing contradiction
They are valid and I must learn to feel them without restriction
In a way I'm like you but I don't want to be what you are
I have come a long way from where I was but yet I feel like I'm still so far
I have come to the conclusion you're not nice like you try to seem
I woke up from a nightmare that tried to be a pleasant dream
I've reached this awful conviction
There's friction between me and a walking, talking contradiction

by Trinity Rayne

Can I move mountains sometimes it seems impossibly so
Other days I feel I can fight the doubt and give it a go
Can I battle the demons in the arena of my mind and not succumb
Can I find out how to face them all without feeling numb
Can I dig myself out of the hole I dug myself in
Can I find the strength to do all of this and win
Can I learn to love and accept myself for me
Can I accept my flawed blueprints and leave them be
Can I be anyone I want and do what I want to do
Can I be like a soldier that keeps on pushing through
Will the Can I's that I ask turn into I cans someday
Can I finally stop being stubborn and move out of my own way
Can I be like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon
Can I be like the cow in the nursery rhyme that jumped over the moon
Can I be a person that I myself am proud of
Can I break free from the cycle of hate and just learn to speak only love

by JenniferD

I never left you
I was there standing by the curb side always waiting, always wanting
To be accepted, to maybe for once be good enough ... to be loved

I never left you,
I gave as much as my heart could give, hurt as much as I could handle
Drew from a parched well, damp only from tears
knowing that no matter what ever I did... it would never be enough

I never left you
Even when Knowing that I would never have the right to any place in your heart ,
A void I had no right to fill ,
left vacant by that perfect daughter that wasn’t me

I never left you
At the operating theatres, at the Doctors, the cashiers, the ATMs. the shops
Installments for love or debts of duty?
But the price of approval, acceptance, kindness, and love has now become far too high

I never left you
Craving kindness, comfort, reassurance, respect
that never came
I settled for the hurt as your acknowledgement of my existence in your life

I never left you
And I never will
But I will no longer try and compensate for the disappointment
of not being the one
Accepting that I would never deserve that place in your heart

I will not leave you but I will never again leave myself open to hurt and disappointment and anger or bitterness

I pray for the patience, the acceptance and for the strength to walk the final journey .. in Peace

I will be there as it is my duty, but I will never ever leave Me again

by Laura Uhlman

I hear that familiar cry
That turns and tares
Wanting the world to hear
The pain thats hidden deep inside

A voice crying out
"World! Have you not seen"
How bad i hurt, how hard its been
A childhood lost
A life thats robbed
Invasions that threatened my sanity

He loves me yes. He loves me not
And so the chamber rolls
A frightening caress
A forced upon kiss
A game of roulette thats been deadly to my soul

Even so but better yet
This life of extremes
As exhausting as it gets
Keeps pushing me on
Somehow making me strong
As it drags me thro the rubble of its wreck

Though this journeys been hard
I must call it my own cause the reflection i see
Is looking alot like me
I must choose to love her
And call her my home

Home will be a garden
Where i miraculously see
The faithfulness of a spring
That helps me believe
The complexities of life
Can bring fragrance from strife
And the songs of the birds
Can set me soul free.

by JenniferD

I will be over
This hurt one day
Time is the healer
Well that’s what they say

But it’s preyed hard on my mind
And it’s shattered my heart
The hurt of your rejection
Has just torn me apart

Where did I go wrong
What did I fail to do
In never making the mark
To be good enough for you

Dismissive and disparaging
Despite all that I did
Even when doing cartwheels
To fulfil all your bids

Emotionally unavailable
To display love or care ?
Or was the role of mothering
That you were so unaware?

It pleased you to hurt me
Your power to control
But why was I deserving
Of all that hate and vitriol?

So distance I give you
And my absence your gift
And I bear no responsibility
For causing this rift

by Trinity Rayne

Why is it me you still haunt?
You only disappoint
Why is it me you still taunt?
Like we're still attached at the joint
I can't seem to cut the cord that binds us
Even though I need to
Memory after memory reminds us
Of why you don't need me and I don't need you
Our family was broken from the start to end
Love was also an unfamiliar and distant stranger
We only broke each other's heart and fought to defend
Our family that was toxic and full of dysfunctional danger
Memories with you still haunt me day and night
They haunt me like a ghost
Memories with you still hurt and bite
Why couldn't you be the dad I needed most
I wish it all didn't haunt me anymore
I want it all to go away
I wish it would all leave out the door
I wish it all didn't haunt my mind on replay

by Trinity Rayne

I'll point out to you a point or two
Yes you dad I'm talking to you
You shouldn't have decided what to do
I should have called the shots of when our contact was through
You didn't have to screw up and fail on me
You didn't have to change your course with projections and derail on me
You didn't have to leave and bail on me
You didn't have to rain on my parade and hail on me
All I wanted was closure and not your pity
But instead you gave me lies that were pretty
The lies you told were foreign from a different city
You're a delusional dimwit who thinks he's smart and witty
I'd like to point out how you should take your head out from that butt you own
I'd like to point out all the chances to make it right with me that you blown
I'd like to point out how your soul is black and your heart made of stone
I'd like to point out how you possibly may end up alone
I could go on and on to point out all the chaos you created
I could go on and on to point out it wasn't only me you devastated
I could keep going on to point out how it's complicated
But I'll stop there and say we are not family even though we're blood related