Category: Childhood abuse

Shadows Across my Sad Heart

by Bethany Lauren Birley

Head beating with rage consuming,
Shadows across my sad heart looming,
The storm is rumbling deep inside,
I try to keep myself okay, terrified
Of what I’ve seen myself do like this before,
I hide from this, cowering, it cries more.
I cannot run, or prevent fully what’s to come
But I’ll write it down and spell out the sum,
Of anger, rage and chaos that echoes deep
And pray that my Medusa returns to sleep.
I see my father codependent but in control,
But also, cowardly, running from my soul,
That seeks to challenge his narrow world view,
I will not be like him but find my own way anew.
I see my fist, striking out that time, my vision red,
And lament at what I caused, a shadow in my head.
The college door filled with art depicting harm,
The chaos inside me crying and screaming in alarm,
And the rush of emotions deep and out of control,
Yes I know how my anger has disrupted my world.
I see my father again, no adult, unable to relate,
And yet for him I can only feel pity now not hate,
Though I have beared the guilt of hurting him,
I will not do so more, he will not affect within,
Though others remember different all his deeds,
If I know the truth then off his chains I am freed.
You are the monster but I did not you create,
You continue to run, but in here you will find no place to hide.
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The Other Side of Hurt

by Grace Villa

Sometimes it feels as if I’m drowning
And it hurts to draw each breath
Some days I don’t see a way through
The water is deep and murky
And I can’t escape its depths 

Healing can be painful and scary
It’s so easy to just try and forget
To feel numb and float my way through
Distract myself with shallow pursuits
And avoid my empty bed. 

Some days you have to feel the pain
To remember what you’re working toward. 
Sometimes you really need that cry
Or you’ll never move on; never move forward

When the good times come around again
Oh how sweet they’ll be!
How precious and light it will feel
To have survived it 
And fought your way free!

To be able to say I did that- 
I made it through the darkest of times 
With my soul intact
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Longing For

by Trinity Rayne

Why am I
Like a butterfly
Longing for freedom crushed beneath a boulder
Just want to spread my wings but I can't as long as there's a chip on my shoulder
Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve
Why do I mourn loss that's not actually loss but yet still grieve
Just longing for the day to come where I no longer feel this unquenchable thirst
I wished you cared and didn't always put your needs first
I am longing for an apology I know I'll never get
I am longing for indifference without guilt and regret
I've been longing for my father to fix all my rips and tears
I've been longing for him to help me move mountains and climb up thousands of stairs
I've been longing for the impossible things so now I must let go
I must climb, fly, and heal so I can grow
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Dear Dad

by Trinity Rayne

Dear dad I'm not a trophy for you to collect on your shelf
You're not Santa and I'm not your worker elf
You're not king but more of a joke
You're not someone I'd normally provoke
Why couldn't you just love me for me
Why did you try to change things instead of leaving them be
I know I'm not good enough for the likes of you
All because I questioned everything you'd say and do
Dear dad I'll reclaim my power that you wrongfully took away
I will forgive you in the future just not today
I wondered why you hated me when I was born from the very start
I wondered why you were the first man to ever break my heart
Dear dad why did you emotionally abuse me
A narcissist is what you accuse me
Dear dad I'm writing you this letter that I'll never send
Goodbye forever this is the end
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Contradiction

by Trinity Rayne

You are like a sweet smelling rose with thorns so prickly
You look healthy on the outside but inside you are sickly
You acted nice in public to people but in private you changed your tune quickly
People believe you over me that's why what you do is sly and slickly
You have two faces you wear one evil and one good
The things you have said and done I once misunderstood
How you've acted in public and private I used to not be able to separate fact from fiction
You are a walking contradiction
I wanted to know why you accepted others but couldn't love me without condition
Your words spoke differently from your actions that never went through transition
You're this person trying to be sane but secretly has an affliction
You are a talking contradiction
You built me up then tore me down and I didn't understand
I fed you then you went and bit my hand
You've hurt me but yet it's helped me to heal more and more
I've loved and hated you with equal measure never realizing it before
Even my own feelings are a confusing contradiction
They are valid and I must learn to feel them without restriction
In a way I'm like you but I don't want to be what you are
I have come a long way from where I was but yet I feel like I'm still so far
I have come to the conclusion you're not nice like you try to seem
I woke up from a nightmare that tried to be a pleasant dream
I've reached this awful conviction
There's friction between me and a walking, talking contradiction
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Invisible

by Trinity Rayne

Are my wounds invisible to the likes of you?
They are still there even though you barely see them too
To your eyes my wounds are barely a cut
To my eyes they are anything but
To you I have wounds that are gone and been licked clean
To you I just have scars that are few and far between
Do my wounds not matter since they aren't in your view?
Will your sight always be askew?
My vision is the only one clear enough to see the holes on my soul
I am the only one who sees it's taking a toll
I am invisible to you and probably was all along
I may not be seen by you but it's ok I'm strong
Those of us who may feel invisible we do matter
We're important even if things weren't handed to us on a silver platter
Even if we're invisible we can still be seen and heard
It doesn't matter that their hearing is selective and their vision is blurred
Even if we're invisible we don't have to suffer alone
Let's all come together and our feelings be shown
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Can I?

by Trinity Rayne

Can I move mountains sometimes it seems impossibly so
Other days I feel I can fight the doubt and give it a go
Can I battle the demons in the arena of my mind and not succumb
Can I find out how to face them all without feeling numb
Can I dig myself out of the hole I dug myself in
Can I find the strength to do all of this and win
Can I learn to love and accept myself for me
Can I accept my flawed blueprints and leave them be
Can I be anyone I want and do what I want to do
Can I be like a soldier that keeps on pushing through
Will the Can I's that I ask turn into I cans someday
Can I finally stop being stubborn and move out of my own way
Can I be like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon
Can I be like the cow in the nursery rhyme that jumped over the moon
Can I be a person that I myself am proud of
Can I break free from the cycle of hate and just learn to speak only love
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A Poem You’ll Never Read

by Elizabeth B

Whoever said parents can't hurt you is wrong.
These emotional scars have been lifelong.
Hoping for my mother's embrace.
It's been years and there's still no trace.
Mom, I'm hurting I need you.
"Oh I don't hug you, boohoo."
Mom, I'm hurting I need to talk.
"Move on and throw away the lock."
Mom, I'm hurting I need your affection.
"The addict requires all of my attention."
Mom, I'm hurt I don't want to live anymore.
"Your life isn't that bad, what for?"
Mom, Steve he's still haunting me.
"He served his time, leave it be."
Mom, I'm scared I need your love.
This silence is choking me like a glove.
Mom, I tried to tell you how I feel inside.
"I'm not a monster, swallow your pride."
You can't tell me I didn't try.
Though, you'll still deny.
I always told you I wasn't okay.
I've always felt in your way.
Without a present dad...
You became all I had.
It shouldn't be like living with a stranger.
Mom, I feel like I'm always in danger.
I don't feel safe, I need out of this place.
All I see is your mocking face.
Laughing as you gave me a one-arm-sling.
You called it a hug and left a sting.
I get it now, your ego wins.
It's time my life really begins.
You don't understand it's been like this since I was a kid.
"You didn't say you weren't okay" but I did.
I tried, I knocked, and you shut me out.
That's what my inner child resentment is about.
The strain was put on me.
I just want to be free.
I can't heal when I'm near you.
It hurts because it's true.
Most of the trauma I've faced has been under your care.
Still, it's like you were never there.
Do you know how hard it is to be an adult and have to deal with this?
Yet, no matter what... it's you I always miss.
Back when I was 8 feeling your love for the last time....
At least you've given me a reason to rhyme.
It's your love I said I need...
But this is just another poem you'll never read.
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Brother Dear

by Betmae

To my brother dear
There is no turning back now, I fear

Sometimes I see a sweet innocent boy
Pulled me in the wagon
Let me play with his toys

All those years living in a trailer, finally had a home
Then dad stole us from mom and all that progress gone
Lived up by the country top
Drove for days to the southern end before we stopped

Our refuge playing in the desert wild
Caught horny toads, painted them up, colors in style
Let go try to catch again the next day 
Always a big delight if success, hooray 

When you were rough and loud dad threw a fit
Rage, belt, beating, punch, hit

You were still punished if I was bad, not kind
Should have set an example, fine
Even then I knew it wasn’t fair
I tried to be good for your sake, I swear

So you would pinch and hit me then cover my mouth and nose
Suffocating me so I couldn’t shout out
Pinned me down called it a tickling game.  Holding back tears, I tried
Digging your fingers in deep until I cried

When it was calm dad criticized and picked and such
Said you weren’t smart, wouldn’t amount to much

You grew ill-tempered in your teens
Loud grating music, fire setting, threats, making a scene

Still trying to forget your unspeakable assault
I blamed on dad not you
This toxic family stew
His fault

You proved dad wrong about his only son
College degree, business, house, and you are not done

But now decades on
You hate the world, racist rants and anger won’t subside
I’m so tired dear brother
And can no longer stand by your side
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Jar of Precious Stones

by Debbie Piziali

Visiting my friends one day

Having trouble finding my way

Stumbling, struggling to see

They all come looking for me

Gently guiding me on that walk

Encouraging me as we talk

Hot tea and nourishing food

Calmly setting a better mood

Enjoying that time, but begin to cry

I can't be happy, but why?

Quietly, and trying to be kind

Accessing the turmoil in my mind

Out comes a jar of stones

Background music, soothing tones

Floods of tears begin to flow

Tissues for that runny nose

As that jar is passed to me

Precious stones I begin to see

Tear stained face and tangled hair

Surrounded by those who care

Suffering pain over all those years

Scanning my room-filled jars of tears

Out comes the ruby, bright colored red

Years of never getting out of bed

The emerald, a beautiful green

Years of not wanting to be seen

The sapphire, a sparkling blue

When sadness seemed to always rue

My tears, my broken life, as I peer

Now letting go of all that fear

Opened door, you're welcome here

A warm smile, a listening ear

Out comes a jar of stones

Background music, soothing tones

This jar is yours to keep

Collecting those tears you weep

Break open the life-long seal

Now is the time to start to heal
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