Cutting Deep

by Susan Sewell

The outside looks perfect, the curtains are drawn,
The white picket fence surrounds a pretty green lawn,
There’s a monster on the inside that you cannot see,
The children are helpless they want to be free,
The thoughts in my head I’ve been too scared to share,
Writing these words helps others be aware,
When your left feeling down, broken and bruised,
Not having much of a start and nothing to lose,
No one to talk to you’re left feeling alone,
Tried calling for help no one answered the phone,
Sitting beside the toilet crying on the floor,
There’s a shiny new razor in the bathroom drawer,
No one will notice it’s just a small blade,
Only shitty thing is I didn’t have first aid,
The pain that I felt I held deep inside,
If I make a small cut, it’s easier to hide,
I can control when and where it’s going to hurt,
As long as no one notices the blood on my shirt,
Who’s gonna care if I cut it too deep,
My darkest secret, I promised to keep,
These intrusive thoughts keep me awake,
How much suffering can one person take?
A few little pills and I’ll be out of this place,
Take me away somewhere lost in space,
My sisters would suffer alone with that monster,
I knew down deep it wasn’t the right answer,
The guilt that I carried deep in my heart,
I loved them dearly right from the start,
The nightmare I was living I couldn’t take anymore,
I didn’t have the courage to walk out the door,
Years have passed since I’ve controlled my own pain,
Writing this poem gives me strength I’ll retain,
I’ve grown up healthy and made myself strong,
That little blade is thankfully gone,
Judgement and shame have been my biggest fears,
I’m not looking for pity I’ve dried my own tears!!